So it's been about a gazillion days since I blogged last. Not that great things haven't been going on cause they have been! But I just am a really exceptional procrastinator. Plus I use Facebook like it's going out of style ... But none the less here goes an attempt at allowing some really deep emotions to flow on to my computer screen in a therapeutic and a little poetic way, with out revealing just how crazy I may be.
Hope... When you allow your hope to die you allow the pain of wanting something intensely to die with it. If you don't want it, then it doesn't hurt to not have it. If that makes sense to anyone else then I am not quite as "out there" as I thought.
I have been skillfully building a protective wall around my heart for years. If I never let anyone in, nobody will ever see the pain and scars held within the protective encasement that holds the fears and hopes, the love hoped for and the love lost, the pain, the loss or the insecurities, that I have never been courageous enough to fully face myself. I have built myself up to be a tough, strong, independent woman, who not only needs nobody but wants nobody in return. I made myself invincible to the heart ache that was slowly killing my hopes and dreams, my personality, and the sheer desires within my soul. For years starting within my childhood the people I was entrusted to by my Father in Heaven to protect me and teach me and love me did the opposite. I was battered and violated and hurt and belittled. Never given the opportunity to understand what real love looked like let alone felt like or tasted like. I journeyed into dangerous territory with men who showed me exactly what I was used to. Men who battered me and abused me and did little more than show me lust let alone love. Men who used me and showed me the exact love I felt I deserved. Soon I brought a child into the vicious cycle of my life. As the man that placed her seed within me choked the life out of me and used my back as a punching bag as I cradled my child I realized I must get up yet again. Then another child by a man who would never be man enough to even look in the face of our creation. Yet I was hoping against hope someone would just rescue me from life, from myself. I was like Alice in Wonderland learning from my dramatic falls. I continuously picked myself up gracefully through the up hill trails I fell on. As I fell over and over and healed each wound and learned to continue on with a smile. The facade of strength soon began to become my face, the independence I feared became my crutch. I picked myself up and dusted myself off and continued on my journey. I had to learn for the princess and prince I had brought into my misery.
Their smiles brought a little hope and their love made my world turn. I leaned on my Desirae's independence and strength and shielded my pain from the world. I found joy in my Jonny's laugh and learned to laugh again. I knew they were mine to protect and love.
I learned to find false hopes and smile till the smile looked real. I watched as my hopes withered inside of me, and I shielded myself from the vulnerabilities I couldn't face alone. Before I knew it my heart and soul were encased within a steel wall of shame. I was wandering through life with a blind fold on, not allowing myself to experience the world or the world to experience me. I was protecting myself from my past and repressing the horror within my own mind as to not allow the picture show turn into a horror movie. Within my dreams I would see the faces of my fears and wake in cold sweats. Soon I learned to not dream.
I put this all away. Neatly packed and carefully tucked away to never be seen again. I picked myself and forgot about where I came from and started on my own new journey where fear wasn't on the surface but my hope was truly buried below it. I shut myself off from the world as if I had closed a door to a safe and left myself within it. I allowed very few people into the safe and nobody ever knew their was a safe let alone a combination.
Recently I noticed someone within the outer perimeter of the barriers. I don't know how they got there or that they even know that they are there. I saw the face of hope on a man, as I feared it and wanted to run from it. A tenderness within the rock in me was felt and I have no idea how to turn back.
With that fear the horror show began to play. No matter what red and green symbol brought them on the Angell** said it was because my mind was ready to release it. I am in a good place, a place where the strength I learned to fake truly had become mine and the wounds started to bleed again. I bled the very blood I forgot about. The pain was on the surface and it was so real I could touch it. My body shook in horror at the show my mind was playing. It was in so many ways relieving and refreshing to allow the horror to escape and slowly learn that it is time to heal.
I know that the pain and suffering and feeling of never being worthy of good will not be taught to my children as it was engrained in me and the generations of women before me. My daughter will be taught that she deserves what she has never seen. My son will learn that a woman is to be treated with great tenderness and respect. Their lives will be filled with hope and love and protection from ill doers. If nothing else they will see a mother who has fought for them and battled to give them the life she never knew. I will put on my smile and learn to hope and allow my walls to crumble if it means showing my incredible gifts from above that they are worth it, because they are.
(I think it's quite poetic that my therapist name is Dr. Angell)
