Warm Ears!

Christmas isn't the most abundant holiday I experience through the year. I don't get many gifts that I don't pay for at all as a matter of fact. I have come to resent this as well as truly enjoy it. I am a very giving and generous person so sometimes it's a little hurtful that the people I am so generous too don't think of me at Christmas, but on the same token, I get what I want.

This morning I came into work to find a Christmas box on my desk. I was pleasantly surprised since all the girls had already exchanged gifts. This one wasn't from an office girl, it was from Jon, aka Rambo maintenance man extraodinaire! I opened the box to find the very hand band I have been looking for!!! Thanks to Jon I will have super warm ears and be really cute at the same time! Jon Murray you rock!!!

YAY!!!!

Stars on the Wall

I placed new stars on my wall this year for

Tio Bruno... the only mexican uncle that ever let me feel part of the mexican family. He fought and lost a harsh battle with cancer and I miss him!

Tom Gadberry.... I don't understand why you left in the middle of a song. You are deeply missed and my world will never be the same. There isn't a minute in the day that I don't miss My Sweet Tom and my Ornery Tom. I wish with my heart of hearts that you could have seen the great worth you held within. I am truly sorry it took so long to hang your star, but in all honesty none were good enough to represent you and the love I carried for you. There is a star on my wall for you now and a star on my neck for extra reminding! I diligently pray that you find peace in your rest that you could never grasp in your life.

Cy McKell... my great-uncle Cy was one of the greatest story tellers the world ever knew. His great appreciation for people and a good laugh were easily read in him. He was hit by a car driven by his neighbor. His death has brought me to get to know Aunt Betty better and I love that.

Maj Caraveo... thank you for the laughs... a terrorist in our own uniform took your life along with several other heroes! He was a coward.

Ed Messing... Wow what a great man! My Erin-Mom's dad passed away the day after Thanksgiving. He was an example to all he met and this world is a better place because he was here. He lost his brave battle with cancer and we all miss him dearly.

May you all rest in peace and know how you touched my life.

within the safe

So it's been about a gazillion days since I blogged last. Not that great things haven't been going on cause they have been! But I just am a really exceptional procrastinator. Plus I use Facebook like it's going out of style ... But none the less here goes an attempt at allowing some really deep emotions to flow on to my computer screen in a therapeutic and a little poetic way, with out revealing just how crazy I may be.

Hope... When you allow your hope to die you allow the pain of wanting something intensely to die with it. If you don't want it, then it doesn't hurt to not have it. If that makes sense to anyone else then I am not quite as "out there" as I thought.

I have been skillfully building a protective wall around my heart for years. If I never let anyone in, nobody will ever see the pain and scars held within the protective encasement that holds the fears and hopes, the love hoped for and the love lost, the pain, the loss or the insecurities, that I have never been courageous enough to fully face myself. I have built myself up to be a tough, strong, independent woman, who not only needs nobody but wants nobody in return. I made myself invincible to the heart ache that was slowly killing my hopes and dreams, my personality, and the sheer desires within my soul. For years starting within my childhood the people I was entrusted to by my Father in Heaven to protect me and teach me and love me did the opposite. I was battered and violated and hurt and belittled. Never given the opportunity to understand what real love looked like let alone felt like or tasted like. I journeyed into dangerous territory with men who showed me exactly what I was used to. Men who battered me and abused me and did little more than show me lust let alone love. Men who used me and showed me the exact love I felt I deserved. Soon I brought a child into the vicious cycle of my life. As the man that placed her seed within me choked the life out of me and used my back as a punching bag as I cradled my child I realized I must get up yet again. Then another child by a man who would never be man enough to even look in the face of our creation. Yet I was hoping against hope someone would just rescue me from life, from myself. I was like Alice in Wonderland learning from my dramatic falls. I continuously picked myself up gracefully through the up hill trails I fell on. As I fell over and over and healed each wound and learned to continue on with a smile. The facade of strength soon began to become my face, the independence I feared became my crutch. I picked myself up and dusted myself off and continued on my journey. I had to learn for the princess and prince I had brought into my misery.

Their smiles brought a little hope and their love made my world turn. I leaned on my Desirae's independence and strength and shielded my pain from the world. I found joy in my Jonny's laugh and learned to laugh again. I knew they were mine to protect and love.

I learned to find false hopes and smile till the smile looked real. I watched as my hopes withered inside of me, and I shielded myself from the vulnerabilities I couldn't face alone. Before I knew it my heart and soul were encased within a steel wall of shame. I was wandering through life with a blind fold on, not allowing myself to experience the world or the world to experience me. I was protecting myself from my past and repressing the horror within my own mind as to not allow the picture show turn into a horror movie. Within my dreams I would see the faces of my fears and wake in cold sweats. Soon I learned to not dream.

I put this all away. Neatly packed and carefully tucked away to never be seen again. I picked myself and forgot about where I came from and started on my own new journey where fear wasn't on the surface but my hope was truly buried below it. I shut myself off from the world as if I had closed a door to a safe and left myself within it. I allowed very few people into the safe and nobody ever knew their was a safe let alone a combination.

Recently I noticed someone within the outer perimeter of the barriers. I don't know how they got there or that they even know that they are there. I saw the face of hope on a man, as I feared it and wanted to run from it. A tenderness within the rock in me was felt and I have no idea how to turn back.

With that fear the horror show began to play. No matter what red and green symbol brought them on the Angell** said it was because my mind was ready to release it. I am in a good place, a place where the strength I learned to fake truly had become mine and the wounds started to bleed again. I bled the very blood I forgot about. The pain was on the surface and it was so real I could touch it. My body shook in horror at the show my mind was playing. It was in so many ways relieving and refreshing to allow the horror to escape and slowly learn that it is time to heal.

I know that the pain and suffering and feeling of never being worthy of good will not be taught to my children as it was engrained in me and the generations of women before me. My daughter will be taught that she deserves what she has never seen. My son will learn that a woman is to be treated with great tenderness and respect. Their lives will be filled with hope and love and protection from ill doers. If nothing else they will see a mother who has fought for them and battled to give them the life she never knew. I will put on my smile and learn to hope and allow my walls to crumble if it means showing my incredible gifts from above that they are worth it, because they are.

(I think it's quite poetic that my therapist name is Dr. Angell)

Since Last time...

May 2, 2009

Jonny's 1st soccer game! Yay! Go Blue Dragons!!! It rained and rained and the wind blew! There was no soccer playing for my little boy in blue!

We headed toward This is The Place monument to find the Andrus house. The monument was closed that day, not scheduled to open till May 15th. My mom and I decided to purchase post cards with the home sketched on them. During the transaction with the young man who seemed to have no interest in my mother and I babbling on and on about finding our ancestor's house an older gentleman offered to walk us up and open the house up if we didn't mind walking in the rain. We were more than happy to walk in the rain! We were so grateful to see this piece of our family history. Our own personal tour guide was very hospitable and happy to share as much as he knew about the house. This home was built by 1 of his 11 wives , and used as a bed and breakfast. Milo Andrus signed one of the rafters and it is visible if you know where to look. Milo's wife ran the home which was referred to as the "half way house" because of it's location. We were intrigued.

My mom and I decided we didn't have much going on and we wanted to learn more about this Milo Andrus character. So mom called her Uncle Cyrus. He was so happy to hear from his niece "Lynnie" and invited us over "whenever, even if it's midnight" What a story teller! We all enjoyed learning more about our ancestors and learning more about Uncle Cy and Aunt Betty's lives. It was such a great day!!

Mother's Day Weekend-

We had the oppurtunity to spend Mother's Day in Craig Colorado with my fabulous Erin-mom! My dad really lucked out finding Erin! She is great!

Jonny got to go fish with his Grandpa and caught 2 fish! He was very excited!

I also got to get a few shots of my cute niece Ayla and nephew Ronin playing with Jonny

We grilled and hung out and I became the new keeper of the doggies! My brother needed someone to watch his dogs indefinitely because Indy snapped at Ronin. So I volunteered. We brought them home and we are having a blast with them.

May 13 2009

Cyrus Milo McKell was hit by a car driven by his neighbor, while he was out fixing sprinklers. So sad. His funeral services are Tuesday. My mom was able to fly up today so she can be here for the services. I am so honored and grateful to have gotten to spend time with Uncle Cy less than 2 weeks before he passed on. Another star on my wall...

Here is a link : http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=76503774723&h=IdFHu&u=CKoF3&ref=mf

Spring is finally here!

I tend to talk a lot about the weather here! But this week has left me even more to talk about! Gorgeous weather!! Spring in Utah is fabulous! We worked very hard planting flowers and cleaning our back little patio. All three of us each taking tasks. 2 days later we got to enjoy a dinner on the patio and yummy grilled salmon and veggies from the grill! With fresh salsa and handmade corn tortillas! It was well worth the wait!

It was so YUMMY!

The Homestead

We were so luck to take a little weekend vacation at the end of March. It was just me and my kids. We went up to Midway to The Homestead which is a realy cute resort with home style rooms and meals. Desirae and I each had a spa treatment at their Aveda Concept Spa. I personally LOVED my hot stone massage! Desirae didn't quite see the "hype" around her relaxing facial. But said she did enjoy it.

Jonny's favorite part of the resort was their INDOOR pool! So even with a blizzard outside he got to swim for a while! He said it took longer than he thought it would to remember how to swim! But he kept at it till he was swimming on his own. We had so much fun in the pool! I loved the extra large hot tub!

Aaaaahhh the Crater! What a blast!! The kids were a little leary as we entered the large rock to go swim in the naturally 90-95 degree water, especially when they realized you can't see the bottom, but eventually they were off on their own and enjoying it. So much that when it was time to go they wanted to stay longer! I really enjoyed watching Jonny build up the courage to float off on his own. I was so proud of him!

One of the nights we were on vacation (just 45 minutes from home) we traveled into Park City to The Canyons Resort and took a gondola ride to the very top of the mountain and had a great Western BBQ buffet dinner! The gondola ride (for me and Jonny) was a little scary but we set the fear aside and took in the amazing view of what my dad refers to as "God's country!" It was just breath taking!! I have never been so far up in a mountain like that before. I was amazed and had a little glimps at what makes my brother Jon so excited for snowboarding season. It gave me a little glimps at the amazing landscape created for us. We saw wildlife on our ride. We saw ski lifts and people manuvering down the mountain on snow boards and skis. We saw beauty! then we got to eat some really really great food!

What a vacation! And I think the kids favorite part was ... they didn't have to sit in the car forever! LOL! I loved that part too!

Holy Snow!

Though I have a lot of things to blog about right now I am choosing to comment on the weather! I thought that maybe just maybe the 54 degrees would continue on! My mom and I spoke on Wednesday night in preparation for her trip up here. She said "it's gonna snow while I am there" I said "it's been too nice to snow!" Well guess what! It snowed... and snowed... and then it snowed a little more. All day yesterday it snowed! 

Today is sunny... It is great! I wonder how long the snow thing goes on?

Shh... It's a Secret!

I can hardly contain my excitement. I am terrible at secrets! I get so excited that I just have to let it out! I have to tell someone! This is a big secret and it's so exciting! I just found out the details today... and ... I have to let it out!!!

On Saturday is Jonny's birthday party though his official birthday was yesterday. He is excited to go bowling with a few friends from school, aunts, uncles and cousins. But what he doesn't know is... 

Grandma, Desirae, Aunt Angel, Blanca and his best friend Brett are going to be among the bowlers!!!! They are leaving right after school tomorrow and driving up just for him. He has NO idea! He is going to be so excited!! I can't wait to see his reaction when he sees who is here in Utah to celebrate with him! 

8years old?

I can not believe that my son is going to be 8 years old tomorrow. Where did the time go? It seems like yesterday he was just a little boy. He had such a cute round face. My mom and I called him Harold because he reminded us of Harold and the Purple Crayon. He followed me around like an extra shadow. I can't believe where the time has gone!



Happy Birthday Jonny Miller!

Door Ajar...

This morning before we left for school and work I sent Jonny back in the house to grab my Ipod.

I came home this evening and my front door was ajar. Jonny was scared. I wasn't -though maybe I should have been? But for Jonny's benefit I grabbed the phone and a butcher knife and inspected the house. I turned on all the lights, and looked in all the closets. When I saw that my laptop was sitting on my bed I knew everything was fine and we are just a couple big dopes who leave our door open to the public while we are away for hours on end.

The FedEx guy was nice enough to place my package just inside the house though.

I don't think Jonny will be the last one out of the house anymore... Kinda scarey...

54 degrees

In the past few months my body has revolted in the new climate I have subjected it to by moving to Utah. With such dry skin that I have dry spots that have erased my freckles, and flaky skin that reminds me vaguely of a puff pastry. Each time I venture outside my teeth begin to battle as they clank together. I never realized just how bug "goose bumps" could be. 

I have learned to expertly layer my clothing, with a tank, then a long sleeve shirt, then a sweater, topped with a warm jacket, scarf and beanie. I have learned the fluffy blankets are typically the warmest. I have learned a lot about keeping warm. Though, when the wind is blowing it is a little harder. 

I am the only one of my father's 4 children who does NOT love the snow. As my brothers and sister anxiously look forward to this weather to snowboard, snowmobile, and what ever else they do in the snow, I stay in bundled up in front of a blazing fireplace. 

Now as a "newby" to Utah I don't know if this is going to last long, but it has been a nice and sunny 54 degrees (according to my new car) for that past 3 days. I am loving it! As a desert rat that is still pretty chilly... but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

My sandal collection may soon be used! That is exciting! 

Saying Goodbye

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”


On January 28, 2009 Bruno Cisneros "my Tio Bruno" passed away from a long battle with cancer. He was a gracious God fearing man who always accepted and loved the people around him. He accepted me as his own flesh and blood though I was the only "white kid" in the family. I miss him greatly.

(photo to follow soon)


On February 1, 2009 Thomas William Gadberry Sr. passed away in his sleep. Tom was fun. He had a big heart and was a fabulous father and wonderful friend. Tom is the last man I kissed... I dated him for a couple months in the spring of 2007. 

You are missed Tom! Greatly missed!



Saying goodbye is such a difficult thing in life. Saying goodbye to the physical presence of someone you love is heart wrenching and indescribable. I am particularly horrible with death. But I know with a doubt that these great men, as well as those that I have said goodbye to before, are watching over us and we will be together again.

Happy Birthday to ME!

I enjoyed the hole weekend as we celebrated my 32nd birthday.

On Friday I purchased a "new to me" Chrysler Pacifica. It is a really pretty blue and is very comfortable. The best part of the new car is I financed it myself without any help. Which shows me that I am finally cleaning up the havoc getting really sick had done to my credit. I can do it!

Friday night I went out with a new friend and all his friends for his birthday. (It was not a date! And NO I do not plan on dating anyone right now) But I had a lot of fun and had some yummy sushi!

Saturday Jonny and I spent the day together. We went to Brighton for me to pick a new key chain for my new car. Jonny also picked a necklace for me for my birthday gift. We enjoyed our day together. The weather was GORGEOUS! We ate at Chipotle and were able to sit outside and soak up the sun. What a rare treat for February in Salt Lake.

Saturday night my cousins and I enjoyed a little bit of a wild night at the Tavernacle. My cousins dedicated a birthday song and got me up on the pianos to dance. Only problem I was so mortified there was no dancing. It was more me standing there with a face as red as a Utes sweatshirt. It was more entertaining to sit and watch the others celebrating their birthdays to dance on pianos!

Today my actual for real birthday was so wonderfully relaxing! I enjoyed a morning at The Kura Door. A holisitc Japanese spa in downtown Salt Lake. It was incredible. I enjoyed my Ofuro Bath with some delicious herbal tea. It was so relaxing and very intersting to learn of this Japanese ritual. I then enjoyed the most amazing massage I have ever had!!! It was such a pleasure! I topped the spa day off by detoxing in a steam room. I have never been to such a relaxing spa before in my life. It was absolutely wonderful!

I had a wonderful birthday...