Jonny and His Brain

(I wish I had a picture. I will have to go take one)

Tuesday night we as a family went to the Gateway mall here in Salt Lake City. Desirae got some gift certificates for Christmas and there were Redline sales at Hollister and Abercrombie. Now anyone with a teenage daughter knows the importance of a redline sale alone then you add the names of Hollister and Abercrombie and the stakes are raised significantly! Jonny also needed new shoes for the sake of my nose. Anyone with a young boy can appreciate this.

As a working mom I didn't get home till after 6 which put us at the mall close to 7:15 or so. First stop was for mom! Trade Secret for a new big round brush and BioSilk! Of course the extras were added on, a new light pink nail polish and travel sized shampoo and conditioner!

Next stop for mom's nose... errr I mean for Jon... Foot Locker! New Pumas and socks for Jonny! YAY! and pay no attention to the new white Nike shocks in mom's size! Pay no attention! :)

Next stop Hollister! (ok, am I getting old?? This store's lighting is really dim and it's smell of bad men's cologne is overwhelming and the music is loud and all the workers look like they just walked off the beach and... the clothes look sloppy...) Desi picked out her clothes and and got some really great deals! Good ole red line sales!!

Next stop was divided! We had limited time, and mom was running low on energy and patience so Des headed toward Abercrombie and Jonny and I headed toward Ben's cookies. (now Kodiak Cakes and Cookies but I refuse to change with the change) We picked out our bakers 1/2 dozen and grabbed 3 hot chocolates to sip on while we walked in the crisp cold night through the out door mall.

I basque in the presncce of my son and his brain, especially at a time in my life when I feel like my brain is not working properly (thanks seizure and vertigo disorders I hate you!) He comes up with the most unique and profound topics of discussion that just blow me away. So this few minutes I got to steal away alone with my boy were precious to me. As we were walking toward Abercrombie to meet up with Desirae the shopping goddess we walked passed the store Express and we took note of the manikins in the store that only had 1/2 their heads. Our conversation from there lifted my spirits and reminded me of the simple joy of being Jonny's mom. It went something like this:

Jonny: MOM! They cut their brains out!!!
Mom: Where??
Jonny: There look in that store! We need to stay away from that store forever! I don't want my brains cut out!
Mom: Oh that is a good idea son! We like having our brains in our heads huh?
Jonny: Shyeah! That's why I have all this hair, to protect my brain!
Mom: Aaahhh So you have a plan huh?
Jonny: Exactly! I don't want to look like that mom! That's scary!
Mom: I love you Jon!
Jonny: I love you more!

Maybe you had to be there. Maybe you had to see the manikins! Maybe you have to understand the silly conversations Jonny and I have regardless, it was a blessing to me!

I slept for like 5 days!!!

Wednesday was a crazy intense day! It started at 8 am with dropping Jonny off at school! 9 am meetingm which was intense. I then went to my uncle's station to talk to him and get some counsel. He is a wise man. Then off to work, then off to therapy... then finally off to look at houses with Red, finally some fun!!! I started to get dizzy, but I am too stubborn to say anything of course! I remember stopping occasionally and holding a wall and breathing through the light headed moments. I remember thinking "dang it all, I hope I don't have a seizure" I remember thinking how embarrassed I would be if I had a seizure in front of Red!

We were looking at the last house of the day. The power was not on so Red grabbed a flash light. It was cold! I don't remember much about the house. I think it had would floors upstairs which I really like! I had to stop in the hall and breath through a dizzy spell for a few minutes. I think Red was concerned, but I don't remember. We left the house, and I vaguely remember him asking if I could just breath through it and not have a seizure and me answering "No, I will more than likely have a seizure in the next 24 hours" I don't remember much after that except coming to after the "episode" and my right arm was shaking. We got back to Red's office and I couldn't walk straight. He insisted on driving me somewhere or calling someone to come get me. I am really quite stubborn but finally admitted I needed to go to the hospital so he took me to the VA. The VA regulated my Migraine and Dilantin levels, which very well could have prevented another horrible seizure which could have been detrimental to my life. I slept for days while my body healed. I am still a little dizzy and a little tired. I still sleep a lot and I am still worn out. But I am alive and functioning! I have Red and the VA to thank for that! I am grateful!

Can You Pencil Me In??

Tuesday: Work in the office 9-4:30

Tuesday: Get nails done right after work

Tuesday: Date with Dave the pilot 7:00

Wednesday: Work in office 9-1

Wednesday: Meet accountants to tie up year end 12:00

Wednesday: Individual therapy Appointment VA 2:00

Wednesday: House hunting with Red 3:30

Wednesday: PACK! PACK!

Thursday: Work in office 9-3

Thursday: Leave for Denver 6:05 (get to airport by 4:30)

Thursday: DENVER!!!!

Friday: Aquarium in Denver with Ayla, Ronin and Jonny

Friday: Meet with Kenyton talk about .... CLOSURE!

Friday: Leave for Steamboat

Saturday: Family, Snowmobiling (?), Ronin's birthday party!!! wake up till bed time

Sunday: Head back to Denver to catch my flight back to SLC

Monday: Group therapy 10-12

Monday: Work in office 1-4

Monday: Jazz vs Suns with Shanna and the kids 7:00

Tuesday -Thursday WORK

Friday: Jazz game 7pm

Saturday: Leave for Miami for Pro Bowl game 7:05 am!

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

2 weeks, 4 cities, 3 guys... Oh my goodness!! What was I thinking? Can we pencil in a nap for me somewhere in there?!?!?

Men Are From Mars and Women Are ... better!!!

I work for one of the poshest restaurants in Utah. With that I get to meet some really cool people. Every now and again I get a bone thrown at me, like bonuses, Jazz tickets, Ballet tickets, free dinners etc etc etc... Today I got an interesting call. It went something like this:

Hook UP: "Hey you wanna go to the Pro Bowl in Miami FL?"
Me: "I can't afford that"
Hook UP: "It includes air, hotel and game tickets"
Me: "Are you kidding me???"
Hook UP: "Nope, the tickets are your if you want them. You will just need to pay for transportation, meals and entertainment once you arrive in Miami. I need to know by 5pm today if you want them and your guest's name."
Me: "No really... are you kidding me???"
Hook UP: "Nope"
HOLY freakin' DUMP!!!!!!


Here's my take on the situation... I asked my brother 1st - he couldn't go. My son HATES football... and my cousins couldn't go either. Who else was I going to invite? I wanted to invite someone that would actually appreciate the magnitude of a PRO BOWL game so of course I asked Red... We are friends, we date. I date other people, he dates other people. He is my favorite person I date. (obviously since I write about him all the time!) Plus he is a good LDS guy, and I am comfortable with him. He was in shock I think... he was totally freaked out!!! "This is intense" was about all he could say other than "I can't compete with this"

Red said he was going to make some phone calls and he would call me back. He called about an hour and 1/2 later and said he had a team of engineers analyze the situation and also spoke with his brother in law on whether to go or not. Apparently the team of engineers said he probably shouldn't go since we really aren't dating exclusively, that it would be taking advantage of me. His brother in law said ... shoot GO!

I explained to Red that I am no where near ready for a relationship! He is a great guy and I really enjoy dating him but I am not ready for a commitment. I continued on to explain to him that I don't have a hidden agenda and that I am not trying to manipulate him, I just got a great hook up land in my lap and thought he would enjoy the ride. I still plan on dating other people and plan on him dating other people. It's not a commitment, It's a GAME! I then told him the advice I would give David. (my best friend) i told him that it's not a competition and that I didnt' care what he could or would take me to do, I just like spending time with him. He said he'd call me back... he still wasn't sure, he had 1 more phone call to make.

He called back and informed me that he cleared his schedule and would like to go... WOW!!! And girls are complicated??? Seriously??

men are truly from Mars!!

As My World Turns

Sometimes it spins and makes me sick. Other times it is amusing and I laugh... Most of the time I laugh. No matter what I can find humor in my life and around me. Every now and again I just have to close my eyes and trust in Him to guide me and help me heal.

Today my dear friend Shanna called. She needed her friend! I have needed her so many times I can't imagine if she hadn't been there. So I took her to the best place I could think of to show her how special she was. We headed to Grand America Sunday brunch.

We talked and cried and laughed and ate some of the yummiest crepes ever! We enjoyed fresh squeezed orange juice and smoothies and each other's company.

Shanna and I both have not been very active in church in the past few months. It's interesting to talk to her about The Gospel and our Heavenly Father's love and our opinions/testimonies.

I know that no matter what happens my Father in Heaven loves me. I know with all my heart He is there and wants happiness for each of His children; but He is not going to hand it to us. We each need to work to achieve our own happiness and we each need to find our path and stay on it. There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has helped me through my trials and that through prayer and faithfulness He will continue to. Faith is hard sometimes, especially when you are hurting or going through trials, but if we stay the course and trust in Him we will make. He will guide us.

I am learning to deal with my own issues with my own private hurt, but I know that my Father is there listening and loving and waiting for me with open arms to return to Him.

As my world turns and I learn to balance it; I will continue to seek Him as my comforter.

I was adopted

Bahahaha!!! When I moved to Utah my Aunt Margo and her husband Uncle Verl kind of took me in like one of their own kids. I go to family dinner and and part of their every day lives. I love it. I love them!!! I love being part of the family!!!

Hope in a Compartment

I live in 1 of 13 compartments in Red's life. I wanted my compartment to join the rest of his life but decided I wasn't going to push it. Now, I want my compartment to stay put, to stay MY compartment and I don't want to go into anyone else's compartment or anyone else to come into mine. But I want my compartment!

My life has been incredibly overwhelming in the past few weeks. I have been on an emotional roller coaster that didn't seem to slow down or even stop for me to exit. It just kept going... up down and upside down. The intensity of my emotions has had me more than gobsmacked at times. I can remember sitting back and thinking this makes NO sense! But regardless of my practical mind my emotional mind ran wild.

Red was my escape from the roller coaster. When I was with him nothing else mattered. I was lost in our conversations and his green eyes. I began thinking of him through the days and looking forward to my next escape.

There have been times that I have wanted to run from Red, run far away, until I had worked through some of my issues and being scared of him and the feelings that were developing. But I knew my wall was up and my personal life was not on display with him, so I was safe. Till today when I learn that his friends that I have never met, had read my most personal thoughts. My personal life was not only in front of him but on display and the subject of gossip!

This week is going to be overwhelming. I have to tie up year end by Wednesday at noon. I have therapy appointments and a neuro appt that could change my life. And I need to prepare for a trip scheduled for this weekend. Which brings me more overwhelming issues in itself.

When I planned this trip to Denver I planned it with another man. A man from my past and it was supposed to be a trip to pick a home for us to live in. I loved Kenyton for 10 years. 10 years I held on to an unraveling string and now I get to face him. This trip was for us to rekindle the love we started the summer of 1999. I don't want to rekindle it. I just want the closure, because my love for him died when he left and Red put his arms around me.

This is my current life in a nutshell. It's a beautiful tragedy in many regards. I found hope but it scares me. I found an escape that is no longer a complete escape; emotions live there now. There is good and bad. But I know that this coming week will not be focused on my compartment in someone else's life, it will be about straightening out the compartments of my own life. I hope that I can escape back into Red soon, but now I need to focus on my right now.

Violation

I have been dating a guy that seems really great. I enjoy hanging out with him and he is a good man, which is refreshing. He is family oriented and is loyal to his friends that he speaks very highly of.

This morning as my crazy office settled I I checked my Facebook and saw that I had an email from him telling me his friends have been reading my blog. This blog, this very blog that is intended for MY family, old ward and CLOSE friends. This blog that I started so I could keep the people that I love in my life up to date and maybe here and there a little entertained. The people in my life that the blog is intended for know the incredibly hard time I have been going through, so it's kind of a way that I let them know that I am okay.

For the past 30 minutes since I read the email that was sent in the wee hours of the morning I have been in tears. People I don't even know hurt me by violating my personal life. These people that I don't know from Adam know more about me than their friend that I am dating. I don't think that is very fair at all. I don't know them, I have never Facebook stalked them or tried to find someone's personal blog to read. But I guess I don't get the same respect I give, why should I? I'm just the girl after their friend, right? Not anymore. Just leave me be in peace.

I will be moving my blog to a new location. This is my last entry till the new location is established and tested to be private.

right in my face... well really behind my back

November 2008 a girl came into my office looking for a job. She was a cute girl, return missionary and she had worked there before her mission so I wouldn't really have to train her much. That's exactly what I needed since I was so swamped with fixing all the mess from the previous office manager. Plus, I had just fired my assistant that morning, she must have been a God Send right?

We began to form a friendship and she began to be driven and want more and more. She had serious motivation. Soon she began to step on those that she wanted to pass in her career at our restaurant. Soon the owners took her in as the favorite, not seeing the pure manipulation going on.

Today a new light was shown and the betrayal and lies were in the open. She was not fired, she chose to leave. She was crying really hard so I was trying to comfort her in a way, in anyway I knew how. I told her to go home and ask her dad for a blessing. She said she had tried to get me fired so many times, she couldn't understand why I was being nice to her. I asked her to reconsider leaving, she wouldn't, she walked away.

Tonight my gratitudes are the following

1. I get to whip my office back into shape

2. I have enough Christ Like love in me to not kick someone who was down or stoop the their level. And on that note I still have a testimony of blessings. I know how comforting they are in hard times.

3. I work for a really really good man who truly cares for his employees

4. My input matters

5. I am needed and appreciated in my office

6. I really like to be busy, it's good for me

7. I got lunch from La Caille since I didn't get to leave when I was supposed to - even dessert!

8. I love my office girls, even the one that left today. I truly love them and want them to be happy

9. I have a second chance to shine

10. I had a great 90 minute massage before I came home to finish my work!

There are other gratitudes of course, but I wanted today's to be concentrated on work.

Worlds Colliding!

Wow... where in the world do I start on this one??? Woah!

So a couple months ago I met a gentleman. He is hawt! He is a great guy and I enjoy his friendship. Really it's friendship with attraction at this point, I mean come on I have only known the crazy (in a good way) guy for a couple months. Well shortly after I we met and started dating I asked him to be my real estate agent since that is what he does for a living and I could tell he is an honest man. He agreed, and the house hunting began, and the dating continued.

Now I have found a house at a great price but it needs work. Luckily I have the most handy daddy around and he is just a shourt 4 hour drive away so he is coming to look at the work that needs to be done on the house before I choose to go any further with this venture.

Growing up my dad lived in Colorado and I lived in Arizona... he never met any of my dates or the guys I dated. EVER! I just always figured that he would meet the one man that I would marry, if I ever decided to actually think about considering marriage... that's another soap box which I will leave for now.

Tomorrow my daddy and I are going to meet my real estate agent to look at this house... My dad is about to meet a guy I am dating for the first time in my life. He has already informed me that he will be giving Red Hawt the third degree. I am so not loving this! UGH! I think I may need a xanax!!!!

Holy DUMP! I am a little bit on the freaking out side... *sighs*

Brain Waves

May 2007 - I was diagnosed with 2 seizure disorders, Complex Partial Seizure Disorder and Simple Partial Seizure disorder. Or as I refer to it "Complex Simple Seizure Disorder" since things in my life consistently contradict themselves. I began taking Dilantin - or as I referred to it for quite a long time my "demon pill", cause it made me feel as though a demon was ripping through me. My body eventually adjusted and the seizures stopped.

My seizures - I call them surges. They start at the base of my head and surge through my brain and make me dizzy and black out, on a rare occasion totally pass out. (rare) Afterward I usually vomit and get an intense headache and become completely exhausted. The majority of the time they go unnoticed by those around me either because they are so brief or because I am not in a position to fall over. Like sitting or laying down... I had my first seizure in 2 1/2 years a couple weeks ago while on an overnight trip to Wendover. I was laying down so those around me had NO idea till I swallowed my pride and explained why I was puking and couldn't get out of bed. I did however get to ride in the back seat of my own car in Red Hawt's lap. That part was nice.

A seizure, after having the disorders controlled by medication and not experiencing them in so long was like a skeleton opening the closet door it was shoved in. I don't typically talk very openly about my disorder since I am so proud, stubborn and independent. I get scared that people will treat me differently. I get scared that my life will change. My own insecurities are under a magnifying glass when it comes to this condition of mine.

Well after blood tests and scans and EEG's and going to the VA so often I felt I should be on the payroll, they have discovered something new. NEW = SCARY There is "something" on my brain. It's small, smaller than a dime but could be the cause of my condition, there is no depth to it so they are calling it a scar. I get to start taking yet another new pill and be evaluated more than I have been in the past. More blood tests, more scans... but guess what. I am grateful!

I once cursed the VA - every now and again I still curse the parking issues - but I am so blessed to be able to have access to FREE healthcare! I am especially blessed to have had my testing move so quickly, my doctor must have a special pair of scissors to cut through the red tape. We are so fortunate to live in a day and age that we have so much medical technology!

Gratitudes...

Each morning and night I have been trying to find 10 different gratitudes. I try to find new ones each time but sometimes they recycle. I try to find the little things not the big obvious ones. Like of course I am incredibly grateful for my children and my family and my amazing friends, of course I am grateful for my home and job and cars and all the obvious things but I am also incredibly grateful for a lot of little things. Here are the top 10 that tend to recycle...

1. Heated Seats

2. Seeing my Grandma in my dreams and occasionally in the mirror (I look A LOT like her)

3. Medical technology/ VA healthcare

4. Loose jeans - even though I am spending too much $ on them

5. Sweet kisses from Red Hawt

6. Laughter

7. Del Taco strawberry shakes

8. A comfy bed

9. My generosity

10. Seeing the Wasatch Mountains every day.

A houses we will hunt...

and hunt and hunt... I have been looking at houses for a month and have really only fallen in love with one, and I am the back up offer... :(

I like house hunting for many different reasons... I enjoy my realtor, he is hilarious and we have a really great time when we are together! I like to see the different "good things" about each home... I just can't seem to find one for ME! It makes me sad and a little frustrated. So a hunting we will go!!

So not the most exciting blog on the block, but hey I blogged!

Red Hawt VIP and all that Jazz

1st Row

VIP

Red HAWT!

Last night was SO fun!!! It was just... rad! I am lucky enough to be "the best hook up" around according to Red Hawt... lol I got Section 18 (or was it 19) ROW 1 VIP tickets to the Jazz game last night! So of course I had to ask the hawtest guy I know to go with me. He said yes! (yay!!!)

We enjoyed a catered dinner in the VIP lounge ... Entered the arena on the ground level and took our seats! HOLY DUMP we could actually hear the players talking!

(this is warm up of course)

We sat back and watched the Jazz STOMP the Memphis whatever they were! There was a super cute little girl to my left who told me her name is Lilly and she cheered for every basket made! To my right... Mr Hawtness! He had to brag and send a photo to all his friends and put on his "where is waldo" red and white striped beanie so his friends could see him on TV. (not sure if anyone actually did though) At 1/2 time he taught me to read the score card. He's handy like that. We had a lot of fun!!!